


"Yo, Kaneki."

by balter



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul: Re - Fandom
Genre: (it's getting out of hand), M/M, Pining, Scars, Trans Character, Trans!Hide, Washuu!Hide, hi friends torturing hide is my passion, v!hide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:38:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/balter/pseuds/balter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't about the moment Hide and Kaneki finally reunite. It's about what they decide to do after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Yo, Kaneki."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was yellin' with my friend pierrot earlier this week about v!hide so i had to hurry and write this before the next chapter came out and crushed me
> 
> this is 800% indulgence come have fun with me~

Hide is gone when the sun comes up.

Kaneki rolls over to see the empty mattress on the floor, coming out from a drift that wasn’t necessarily sleep. It almost feels strange, being so certain that he _is_ Kaneki at this moment, that he’s held steady for this long. Ever since the Auction Raid, it’s been nothing but instability.

It had felt liking waking up, right then. It had felt like he’d been holding his breath all this time. The night before, locking eyes with Hide as the other man stood in his way, kind smile and blood crawling down his cheek. The investigator he was supposed to be gave way to old attachments and weeping relief.

_There’s no time to explain,_ Hide had said. 

Kaneki didn’t ask for an explanation. He clung tight to his old friend’s hand, breathed in deep, and knew he was real. He looked different, but he was real. Kaneki willingly followed him into the dark.

_You have to leave your phone. Hide it here._

The streets became unfamiliar after a while, dirtier, and Kaneki stayed close as Hide took him above ground and below, until they stood at a small complex that didn’t look like it ought to be standing. The windows were dark. Hide had unlocked the door, calling with a hoarse whisper as they went inside.

A lean, towering ghoul with dark eyes seemed to melt from the shadows, giving Hide a new key and guiding them up the stairs. The room he left them with was on the top floor, with a single window to the fire escape. A bed was made, and an extra mattress on the floor. The ghoul left and they were alone. Hide took the mattress on the floor.

Kaneki’s joyous relief to see Hide again was then shattered. When his best friend looked up at him with obvious injuries, eyes grave and features tight.

_Kaneki. There’s a lot I haven’t told you._

And Hide had rewritten their history. Every line Kaneki thought he knew was changed, scene after scene added or stripped away. Hide’s string of part-time jobs. Hide’s family. Hide’s own _name._ All of it had been false.

 _Washuu, V, Washuu, V, Arima, Washuu, V, Washuu._ The names rung out again and again, each time hitting like a slap. Hide spent hours forcing the truth from his mouth, ugly and shameful. Kaneki felt like he had stopped breathing again. Hide’s words slurred and broke, until exhaustion finally pushed him from consciousness, but Kaneki stayed awake, curled on his side and staring out the window. He had only caught a glimpse of dirtily filtered moonlight.

Now, clouds are coming in to choke out the sun. Hide is gone but it hasn’t been for long. Kaneki can hear him just outside the room. The ghoul sits up, staring down at the floor a moment. He breathes slowly, eyes closed as he takes the time to anchor himself. He tends to forget.

He leaves his blankets as they are and leaves the room. Hide is sitting at the top of the stairs, tipping his head back to let smoke curl out through his lips and nostrils, ashes under his bare feet. A half-empty case of cigarettes sits beside him, a lighter placed on top.

In daylight, Hide looks even more different. His hair has grown past his shoulders, dark chestnut but still blond at the tips. It hides the ear Kaneki had bitten off down in the sewers. He’s gotten paler, too, a certain hollowness in his features.

His body seems too small for the baggy T-shirt he wears, with tacky boxers and nothing else. His right arm and right leg are both bandaged up, the arm hanging in a sling. Results of his escape from V. He looks more exhausted than should be possible.

Kaneki isn’t sure he can reconcile this stranger with the sunny boy he always knew. Well. Who he thought he knew.

“Just so you know,” Hide says, grinding a cigarette out under his heel as he lights another. “I can feel you staring at me.”

“You fell asleep with your binder on,” Kaneki responds. He leans a shoulder against the wall, brow creasing with concern. “Has the dysphoria been getting worse?”

Hide is clearly taken aback, the cigarette hanging unattended from his fingers as he stares at Kaneki. Hide never used to smoke, the ghoul remembers.

“Not, uh, not lately,” Hide answers. He seems nervous, rolling the cigarette between his fingers. “I’ve been too busy with things to really spare a thought for my body. I just forget to take my binder off, that’s all.”

Kaneki frowns. “You could hurt yourself.”

“Eh, I’m a tough guy,” Hide says dismissively. “Bit of bruising never killed anybody.”

He goes back to his smoking. Kaneki stuffs his hands into his slacks’ pockets, trying not to wrinkle his nose at the smell. The air between them is tense, unfamiliar, choked with cigarette smoke. Kaneki hates it.

“You shouldn’t smoke indoors, Hide.”

“Lev-san doesn’t mind it.”

Silence again. Kaneki chews at the inside of his lip, growing more uncertain. The lighter clicks, and soon Hide’s third cigarette burns with a soft crackle. He gets halfway through it before speaking again.

“You didn’t sleep.”

“I had a lot to think about.” Kaneki waits a moment, watching Hide intently. “Washuu-san.”

Hide immediately crumbles. What light remains in his eyes turns dull, his shoulders hunch as he turns his face away from Kaneki. The length of his hair hides him. A new cloud of smoke rises. Kaneki wonders how much it will take before a layer of smoke forms along the ceiling, whether Hide could do something like that by himself.

“I’m sorry,” Hide rasps.

“I know,” Kaneki answers. “You said.”

Again, silence. Kaneki sinks to the floor with a sigh, leaning back against the wall as he looks over at Hide. Hide doesn’t look back. He finishes his cigarette and lights another. The fourth since Kaneki stepped into the hall.

“I’m supposed to go to Cochlea today,” Kaneki muses, absently tracing cracks in the floorboards. “Meet with Arima-san and his team, familiarize ourselves with the layout and decide on our defensive strategy.” He hums softly, lacing his fingers together. “That’s probably how they would have done it, hm? Aogiri breaks into Cochlea and I was killed during the attack. No one would question Arima-san’s word, surely.”

“Bites, don’t it,” Hide mutters. He’s hunched over by now, good elbow resting on his knee. The latest cigarette sits between two fingers. “I should’ve done something back then. I should’ve made sure Arima never got his hands on you.”

“You did everything you could.”

“It wasn’t enough.” Hide sounds angry. He practically spits smoke. “It’s never enough.”

“That’s not your fault.”

Hide laughs bitterly at Kaneki’s words, crushing the cigarette out in his fist. It has to hurt, but Hide shows no reaction. The fifth cigarette is lit. Kaneki eyes what’s left in the packet, wondering what might happen if he takes it away. Seeming to sense his thoughts, Hide moves the packet and lighter to his other side.

“What are we going to do now?” Kaneki asks. With all the running of the night before, it’s a little worrying to see Hide so rooted. “It can’t be safe to stay in any one place for long, and that ghoul from last night…”

“Lev-san’s a good guy, he won’t turn on us,” Hide replies, matter-of-fact. “V can't do anything yet, much as they'd like to. All their resources have to go into the assault on Rushima in four days. That battle is too crucial for them to pull any punches, and they know it.”

“So we have four days?” It isn’t much, but certainly more than Kaneki was expecting.

“Mm, five or six. They’re still in the process of getting the country shut down.” Hide smirks a little, smoke rising from his nostrils. “I can still get us out, of course. Been planning our escape far too long to be stopped by closed borders.”

Kaneki gives him a curious look. “Have you always planned on me coming with you?”

“Well.” Hide almost doesn’t look at him. There’s color in his cheeks. “I've always hoped you would.”

“Oh.” Kaneki stares at him for a while, holding eye contact for a longer than necessary. He quickly turns away. “In that case, leave your binder off for today. Let your body rest. You’re already injured, there’s no need to make it worse.”

“You are really hung up about this binder thing,” Hide chuckles. There isn’t much humor in the sound.

“I’m hung up about your _health,_ ” Kaneki snaps. Frustrated, he snatches the cigarette from Hide’s hand and puts it out. “Stop smoking. You can’t just rescue your best friend and then give yourself lung cancer.”

Hide frowns at him. “I don’t remember you being this pushy.”

“I DON’T REMEMBER YOU BEING A CHAIN SMOKER!”

Kaneki claps a hand over his mouth. He didn’t expect to yell. He didn’t _mean_ to yell. Hide is staring at him, face slack. Then he scowls.

“Hide, I. I’m sor--”

“Forget it,” Hide cuts him short. “I’ll take the binder off.”

He brings himself up to his feet, movements stiff, refusing to look at Kaneki as he limps back into the room. Kaneki feels stuck to the floor, hands twisting.

“You can take the damn cigs.”

The door closes. Not slammed, but precisely clicked shut. Kaneki stares across at the scratched wood miserably before burying his face in his hands. He’s ruined it. He’s not entirely sure what it even is anymore, but he’s ruined it.

This is all so awful and confusing, the lack of sleep is making his brain sluggish and he simply cannot understand. Hide is _back,_ they should both be _happy,_ so why is this happening? Why had Hide only smiled for that one moment back on the street, what feels like forever ago?

He must have done something wrong. He just wants it to be something that he can fix, even if he’s always been terrible at that. Hide is the fixer. Kaneki is the one who runs away.

He can hear Hide on the other side of the door, grunting as he pulls off his shirt and then his binder. The sling has to be making it difficult, but Kaneki knows that Hide detests being seen unclothed, so he stays put. Eventually Hide’s breathing eases out, telling Kaneki that the job is done.

Then silence.

A very long silence.

Kaneki begins to worry. Could Hide be zoning out, having an episode? He remembers years ago, the both of them watching girls, Hide whispering _maybe it would be easier if I just agreed with them, that my body makes me a girl. You think that would be easier, Kaneki?_

He shouldn’t have yelled.

“Kaneki.”

He flinches when Hide says his name. The door is still closed.

“Hide?”

“Why…” Hide trails off at first. He almost sounds afraid. “Why are you trying to take care of me?”

Kaneki blinks at the door in confusion. He can’t imagine what Hide must be thinking, but it doesn’t seem to be anything good. Apprehension curls in his gut, bringing the ghoul up to his feet.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You should hate me,” Hide tells him. Kaneki can see the other man’s shadow under the door. “You’ve got every right to.”

Ah. Kaneki exhales slowly, calming himself. Things are finally beginning to make some sense.

“Because you lied to me,” the ghoul says softly.

“Yeah.”

“But you had to,” he points out. “V threatened to kill me if you ever acted out of turn, isn’t that what you told me? You had to do everything they asked.”

“It wasn’t _enough,_ ” Hide hisses. His fist strikes against the doorframe, unseen.

“But you _tried,_ ” Kaneki insists. “Is that what this is all about? You’ve been sitting on that stair, waiting for me to hate you?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

“You’re a fucking dick, Hide.”

Hide’s laughter rings out, well-known guffaw filling Kaneki’s ears. He smiles in immediate response, happy tears pooling up. The familiar ease is back between them again, Kaneki can breathe again. Hide’s laughter makes him feel like his heart has finally returned home to his chest, and he’s free to start feeling again.

He feels happy.

“Okay buddy, you got me,” Hide snickers at him. “I’m sorry. Again.”

“I forgive you.”

They both fall into silence, for once not out of discomfort. Kaneki gets the feeling that Hide is thinking about something. Probably something important, considering the kind of day they’ve been having.

“Uhhh, so… I finally got my binder off, but now my shoulder is _really_ giving me a bad time, and. I kinda need you to help me get my shirt back on.”

Not what Kaneki was expecting, but it still counts as important.

“Alright,” he agrees. “How do you want to do it?”

“You only get to see my back,” Hide tells him. Kaneki hears him swallow. “Door’s unlocked. You can come in.”

Kaneki turns the handle and steps through. He’s ready to ask for the shirt to be passed his way, but instead his breath sucks in, sharp. He quickly closes the door and presses back against it, frozen.

“You wanted me to see this,” he barely whispers. Tears roll hot down his cheeks.

Hide looks over his shoulder at Kaneki, a kind smile almost like the ones he remembers. “One last lie,” he says simply.

Hide’s back is a layered mess of scars. They begin right below his neck, end at the small of his back, wrap around his torso. Some of them are cuts from blades. Some are burns. Some are thick, unmistakeable kagune wounds.

Kaneki is shaking. Some of the injuries are new. Most of them are not. Hide is showing him _years_ of damage.

“V did this?”

It isn’t really a question, he already knows the answer, but he simply cannot believe that anyone would choose to hurt _Hide._ And to hurt him so much...

“It doesn’t hurt that much,” Hide assures him gently. “The scar tissue just makes it hard to move around sometimes.”

“Fuck,” Kaneki whispers. “It looks horrible.”

“Well.” Hide quirks an eyebrow at him, somehow managing a little laughter in his eyes. “It’s not exactly here as a fashion statement.”

“I thought… you said that you did everything they told you to, so why…?”

“Performance,” Hide explains. His eyes search Kaneki’s face, trying to read him. “V is a very demanding organization, especially if you’re a part of their elite bloodstock.”

“Like the grandson of a rogue Washuu,” Kaneki murmurs. His heart manages to sink even further. “Hide, I’m so sorry.”

Hide only shrugs, a wistful smile pulling at his lips.

“It’s over now,” he tells Kaneki. “That’s the important thing.”

“Mm.” Kaneki scrubs at his face, sniffing. “You’re right.”

When he opens his eyes again, Hide has backed a little closer, holding the shirt out with his left hand. Kaneki takes it, trying to think of how it would be least painful to get the shirt past Hide’s shoulder, but the scars consume his attention. There are so _many._ Kaneki isn’t sure that he can breathe.

“You can touch them,” Hide murmurs. His empty hand seeks out Kaneki’s, takes a comforting hold. “It’s alright.”

Kaneki hesitates, staring at the layers of scar tissue with horror still twisting deep inside his chest. Hide keeps their hands entwined, waiting, and finally Kaneki reaches out.

The first thing he touches is the ridge of a deep kagune scar, below Hide’s right shoulder blade. It’s colored a dull, angry red where soft brown skin ought to be. What has managed to heal is hard, almost sharp to the touch, and Kaneki wonders if all these brittle edges have ever torn clothes.

Across the top of Hide’s left shoulder, a piece is missing. Kaneki isn’t entirely sure, but to him it looks like the carved path of a bullet. Here, too, the skin is discolored, a sickly yellow tinged with pink. Hide shivers when Kaneki’s fingers follow the dip of the wound, and Kaneki immediately pulls his hand away. He doesn’t touch there again.

Kaneki stays away from Hide’s right arm and shoulder, both bandaged up since the day before. His fingers skim over a burn spanning three ribs down Hide’s side. Hide stands patiently, letting Kaneki take his time.

There are three thin scars at the base of Hide’s neck, perfectly straight. It was done with a knife and Kaneki is certain that the deliberation means something, but he doesn’t ask about it. The ghoul carefully traces each line, noting how Hide’s fingers gradually tighten around his hand.

There are more scars across his back, tiny ones he can’t identify, large ones like the kagune scar above his left hip. Some have healed soft, some are dented or lumpy, some are tough and sharp to the touch. There are dozens. Maybe there are more than that.

“What are you thinking?” Hide asks. Kaneki almost doesn’t hear him.

“You know what I’m thinking,” Kaneki replies. He’s following the line of Hide’s spine, frowning whenever he feels a lump that isn’t bone.”

“Can’t tell when I’m not looking at you.”

Kaneki stops, his lips twitching in a smile. “Liar.”

Hide sighs, but Kaneki can hear his amusement. “Work with me, why don’t you? It’s been a few years, and you do have some shiny new facets I haven’t gotten to know yet. Reading you is tricky right now.”

“Mm…” Kaneki meets Hide’s gaze for a moment, feels his face soften with a smile. “I’ll give you a hint.”

“My, how generous.”

They both giggle. The feeling of horror has abated, at last, though now there is a certain sort of sadness in its place. He wishes he could have helped Hide sooner, somehow. He wishes he could share the burden.

There’s something fluttering in Kaneki’s stomach. Something good. His breath trembles past his lips, he closes his eyes and leans closer to Hide.

Three kisses, placed soft and precise, at the base of Hide’s neck. One kiss for each scar.

“Ka…?”

“I want you to know, Hide,” Kaneki says firmly, locking eyes with the other man. “That I could never hate you. I love you far too much for that.”

Hide is dumbstruck. His cheeks and ears are both turning red, he looks entirely lost. But then, slowly, delightfully, Kaneki watches the change in his eyes, honeyed browns lighting up as a smile blossoms between his cheeks. He’s crying, and Kaneki is, too.

“Kaneki,” Hide croaks. He has to bite his lip a moment before continuing. “I’ve had nightmares about this day for over a decade. And you, you _perfect_ living being -- you just made this the best day of my life.”

Hide’s lips meet with Kaneki’s own, and the ghoul is left with the distinct feeling that he now knows what laughter tastes like. As well as Hide’s tongue.

“Now,” Hide grins sunnily, “help me get my shirt back on so I can turn around and kiss you even more.”

Kaneki kisses the scars at Hide’s neck again, and then he does exactly that.

\---

“...As I said before, I can get us out of the country before V even gets at Rushima. If running is what you want to do.”

Hide is back to his talkative self once more, although now the topic is escape plans rather than complaining about college life. He’s sitting up on the bed with Kaneki, nestled in the other man’s lap as he scribbles thoughts into a notebook. Kaneki listens attentively, his fingers working to smooth out Hide’s hair.

“We’d go to Canada,” Hide tells him, after a moment of purse-lipped thought. “There’s barely any V presence there. You’ll have to learn French and English, but in the meantime I can translate for you.”

“You speak French, too?” Kaneki asks in surprise.

“Yeah. Also Korean, German…”

Hide lets himself trail off, flipping rapidly through his notebook for a reference of some sort. Kaneki takes the hair tie Lev had provided and pulls Hide’s hair back into a ponytail.

“Hide,” Kaneki says slowly, waiting until the other man looks back at him. “I don't want to run.”

Something dark gleams in Hide’s eyes, and Kaneki knows immediately that he hasn't been the only one thinking of revenge.

“Prioritize,” Hide says immediately. “What three things do you want to do before our four days are up?”

“Rescue Mutsuki-san, free Hinami-chan, and--” Kaneki cuts himself off abruptly, his mouth twisting. He doesn’t like this, not in the least, but it could prove useful. “Free the Owl.”

“Rushima and Cochlea.” Hide twirls his pen between his fingers. “Kaneki, once we start, this isn't a fight we can walk away from.”

“I know,” Kaneki sighs. He plucks the pen from Hide, carefully lacing their fingers together. “But V cannot be allowed to continue.”

“Damn right about that,” Hide snarls. Then he drops right back into thinking. “I’ve got some things to pick up from Rushima, too. I can handle that one on my own.”

“You’re sure about that?”

“Absolutely. You take Cochlea.” Hide grins back at him. “The beauty of it, is that the CCG doesn't know you've defected yet. You can just walk right in.”

That earns a flash of teeth from Kaneki. Hide seems more than delighted with it. He writes more notes in as he talks.

“I’ll have Lev-san get in contact with Yomo-san, so you'll have backup from the outside. Although…” His brows lower. “I am curious, why Eto?”

“She has more answers than anyone,” Kaneki explains. “That’s an extra edge we can't let V have.”

“Good point.”

Hide kisses Kaneki’s hand before letting it go, standing up from the bed. He picks up the notebook and pen to go with.

“We’ll make our moves tomorrow,” he decides. “Today you've gotta get back to the CCG and make everything seem as normal as possible. And _then…!”_

Kaneki grins darkly back. “We topple a corrupt global organization.”

“Like I told you,” Hide smirks as he leans over to kiss Kaneki deep. “Best day of my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET FUCKED, V
> 
> i am always up for getting bugged on the tumblr, find me at to-balter. (messenger is ur friend)


	2. "Welcome back."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide still has another reunion left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i went on a little trip and now i'm back with more!! the indulgence continues~
> 
> (it may show that i've had a wild craving for breakfast foods for like, the past two weeks, someone please gimme a mountain of those golden-brown pancakes practically weeping maple syrup, oh my god)

_I have to wonder, Hide. Are you ever not lying?_

_RUDE!! Who asks their best friend a question like that?!_

A smile as he remembers the other boy’s laugh, steady determination in young eyes. _I’ll get the truth from you one day._

“Ah, man,” Hide sighs, shaking his head. “I hate it when you’re right.”

It’s a few hours after dawn. Hide has brought himself to the Tokyo Bay area. There’s an American-style diner here, one he’s gone to several times by now, and it’s in this diner he has decided to wait.

He acts his usual cheery self, ordering an americano with a hearty breakfast. He feels distracted, but he knows he doesn’t seem that way. He’s too good at making people feel comfortable around him.

As he heads for his table, Hide takes note of the other customers. Two young families, only a single small child each. An old man with coffee and a newspaper, watching the families with wistful amusement. More relevant to Hide, eight CCG operatives. Three around one table, five around another -- flocking together, as it were. Hide’s cheerfully humming exterior doesn’t crack for a moment.

He knows that the diner’s layout won’t allow for any proper view of the place, so he sits at a windowside table that lets him see both of the doors -- and today, the table with five Doves. Hide sets his purse on the window ledge and peels off his coat, trying to keep from wincing. The coat he hangs over the back of his chair, and he takes a book from his purse to wait with.

The book is his journal; a thick, dog-eared thing that has a few more smells than a journal probably should. Blood, for one. It’s been through a lot. Maybe it’s strange for Hide to keep this, considering it was from his handler. She had only been using it as another way to monitor Hide, as he had figured out within a few years. That was when he started making up codes.

Codes, now there’s something he’s good at. Mashing together the eight languages he’s become fluent in, music references and terminology, pop culture, and of course digits and symbols. Hide’s coding methods are a fucking mess, honestly, and he’s quite proud of it. His shitty handwriting makes it even better.

_I’m certain I’ve seen squids with better handwriting than this._

_Shut uuuuuuup..._

Hide smiles a bit. He blinks up and flashes a grin at the server who brings his food, tucking the journal safely back into his purse and promptly digging in. Eggs and bacon and a mound of pancakes dripping with syrup and melting butter, some blueberries and whipped cream on top. Hide’s appetite does always pick up when he’s healing.

It’s the eggs and bacon he goes after first. Gives the butter more time to melt. Hide catches one of the Doves staring at his food, and sends a seemingly amused sneer in response. The Dove’s gaze snaps away, shrinking in his seat. No one likes to be caught gawping.

Hide doesn’t worry about the Doves much after that. They’re too involved in their own little gathering. The brunet stays focused on his own breakfast, giving the server another smile as they bring him his coffee. Hide frowns at the seat across from him, still empty. His partner is running late.

Hide drifts. Reviewing the journal brings his thoughts to a few different things. Like the fact that in the latest CCG files, Sasaki’s behavior since the Tsukiyama Extermination... hasn’t been very Sasaki-like. In fact, it reminds Hide of someone else, someone who sparked his interest in psychology and mental health.

How long has it been since they first met? Hide had been twelve -- well, nearly twelve -- and struck by the eerie reality of looking into his best friend’s eyes and seeing someone else stare back.

_Who are you?_

_I’m Kaneki._

_No, you’re not._

The moment had passed and then Kaneki was himself again, anxiously stammering apologies. _I’m sorry, I black out sometimes, I should’ve told you._

It kept happening, those sudden appearances. Sometimes he would talk to Hide, usually he didn’t. He was always there during PE, appeared whenever someone raised their voice or started getting violent -- whether or not it was toward himself.

Hide had decided to call him Yami. He told him so the next time he showed up, yelling with a baseball bat to drive off some boys who had just figured out Hide was trans. Hide had been nearly fifteen. It was two weeks until summer break. He doesn’t know why these little details stick with him.

_Yami, I’m gonna figure out what you are._

Yami had smiled, and it looked terribly sad. _I hope you do._ He left the baseball bat on one of the benches and walked back over to him. _You should see the nurse first, though._

After that came the studying. A summer spent indoors, learning about DID, alters, facets, any scrap of information he could get his hands on. He told Yami. He told Kaneki. He told Kaneki about Yami. And it was strange, it was sort of frightening at times (especially knowing how V could use this against them both), but they worked it out. In time, it had even started to feel right, the two but also three of them.

Then, of course, Rize had happened. Despite Hide’s best efforts, V still managed to ruin everything. After Nishio attacked the both of them, Yami had come out for a desperately whispered conversation, begging Hide to keep his distance and pretend he didn’t know anything.

_I can’t protect you both._

It was the first time Hide had seen Yami cry. He couldn’t say no.

Now, he wonders how Yami has been doing with all this. He’s always been the most aware of Kaneki’s alters, as well as the most protective. And secretive.

Had Yami been there yesterday? For the talking, the kissing? He hadn’t spoken or shown up at all, so Hide wonders. He hopes that he’s okay, though most likely he isn’t. He hopes Yami isn’t too angry with him for what all the secrets turned out to be.

He hopes he can see him again soon.

“Falling asleep now?”

Hide startles, his gaze whipping away from the window to the lanky giant now towering at his shoulder. Lev’s thin lips are pulled up in an amused smile, black eyes twinkling. The hook of his nose seems even more profound from this angle.

“Oh.” Hide blinks a few times. He takes a second to remind himself that he has to respond in Japanese, that’s their rule for being in public. “Lev-san, I didn’t see you arrive.”

“Ah,” Lev sighs, narrow shoulders slumping. “How sad, you miss entrance. Spooked cashier and everything.”

Hide’s brows lift. “I’m sure it was spectacular.”

“Ohhh yes,” Lev drawls proudly. He takes off his coat and sets it over the back of the chair across from Hide, stretching his limbs out before sitting down. The young Dove is watching again, until Hide stares back. “But then I smile, I say I’m having breakfast with boyfriend, little person stops panic. They smile, too! Think I handled very well.”

Hide can’t help but laugh. Lev is fully aware how much his appearance intimidates others, so he uses it to entertain himself rather often. As for Hide, he figured out the Russian’s true nature a long time ago.

“So we’re boyfriends now?” the brunet snickers. “I’m not so sure Kaneki would approve.”

Lev’s face lights up. “So you _did_ do it!” he exclaims. “Ahh, child, I’m proud of you!”

“I’m only three years younger than you,” Hide grumbles. He can’t quite suppress his grin. “It was Kaneki who initiated, anyway. He’s the one you should be proud of.”

“He kiss you?”

“Y-yeah.” Hide feels his cheeks coloring, quickly drops his head. He can see a couple Doves glancing their way, chuckling at their couple antics. “On the, uh. On the neck.”

Lev gasps. “On your… _ohh_ … you right, I am very proud of him.”

“Lev-san, are you gonna cry?”

Lev blinks rapidly. “No.”

Hide glances over. “Good, because your coffee is here.”

Lev beams up at their server, gushing thanks. Hide uses the time to set aside his empty plate of eggs and bacon and pull the pancakes closer. They look _sinfully_ appetizing.

After the server leaves, Lev contentedly inhales his coffee fumes. He takes his time in sipping at the drink, sprawling back in the chair that’s definitely too small for him. Hide makes short work of his pancakes, then settles back with coffee of his own.

“So, plan is same?” Lev queries, neatly stacking their empty dishes.

Hide nods, fingers curled around warm mug. “The plan hasn’t changed,” he confirms.

“Good,” Lev sniffs, giving Hide a pointed look. “I hate when you change plan. Bad habit.”

“It’s called adapting, Lev-san.”

“Ehh.” Lev curls a lip, obviously dissatisfied. He scratches absently at his beard. “Will happen anyway, I think. You know what I told you, about boy. Mutsuki.”

“I’ll remember it,” Hide assures him. He frowns into his mug. “Personally, I think he looks like a stiff breeze could knock him over. Probably a decent part of what makes him so dangerous.”

Lev nods apprehensively. “Is like your Kaneki. Changes a lot. Though maybe not as much.” He gives Hide a curious look. “Speaking of… the other one, have you seen yet? The alter.”

“No, I haven’t seen Yami yet,” Hide answers. “Haven’t met Sasaki, either, or the Shiro guy.” He chuckles wryly as he sets his drained coffee cup aside. “Yami’s gonna punch me for being an asshole, which he certainly isn’t wrong a--”

Hide’s phone rings. Twice, and then silence.

Something has gone wrong.

Hide’s jaw clenches, his eyes snap up to meet Lev’s. The ghoul is equally grave and already rising. The phone in Hide’s purse is a burner, and only Lev and Kaneki know the number. It isn’t supposed to ring until evening.

“No stall time, we’re launching the rescue now,” Hide decides immediately. He pulls on his coat, teeth clenched. “I’ll meet back with you at the docks in three hours, or I’ll be dead."

Lev nods, putting on his own coat. “Good luck.”

They both leave tips for the server, and leave the diner after what looks like a fond farewell between partners. The Doves don't give them a glance. Lev heads up one street, Hide goes down another. He hikes the purse up on his good shoulder and extracts the burner. It rings only seconds later.

“What’s wrong?”

 _“We can’t free Eto during transport,”_ Kaneki says immediately. No, not Kaneki. His tone isn’t quite right. _“I left a recorder in there before you found me. Furuta has been added to the detail, and it turns out the fucker is connected to everything -- CCG, V, the Washuu, you name it and he’s fucking involved.”_

“Well, I’m gonna puke,” Hide declares. “Yami, is that you?”

_“Astute as ever.”_

The brunet manages a smile as he continues down the street, heading for the docks. His throat feels dry. He swallows thickly, gnawing at his lip.

“Missed you, buddy. About Furuta… okay, first of all. Don’t let him even _suspect_ that you’ve seen me, he’ll lose his shit.”

_“He knows you?”_

“We’re both V-owned Washuu, so yeah.” Hide cringes. “I also sorta stabbed him in the shoulder with a fork last time I saw him.”

Yami’s brief silence is very telling. _“You what.”_

“He was laughing at me after saying that Arima had been given orders to kill you, what _else_ was I supposed to do?”

 _“Stab him in the_ throat _with a fork, obviously.”_

Right. This is definitely Yami he’s talking to, not Kaneki. The situation is terrible, bordering on shit, but Hide can’t help the intense happiness burning in his chest. _Damn,_ he’s missed this guy. Did he just skip his way past an alley? Yes, he did.

“My mistake. I’ll be sure to remedy that next time.”

_“I’ve thought about how we’ll do this now, and I think the best option is to wait, and break out Hinami-chan and Eto-san during the assault on Rushima.”_

Hide’s breath hisses between his teeth. Yami’s listed the only viable option, but still, he doesn’t like it. He ducks into a backstreet, keeping his voice low.

“There’s probably gonna be an Aogiri faction trying to break in at the same time, if I’ve profiled that Kirishima exec right. I’ll see if I can get his actions to work in your favor, but I can’t promise anything.”

_“You said you’ll reach out to Yomo-san as well?”_

Hide decides to wait until the call ends before climbing the fence, not wanting to cut himself on anything rusty. He paces at the end of the narrow road.

“Yes,” he confirms. “Lev-san and I will be available too, since your op is delayed. Mutsuki-san as well, should he decide to join our little rebellion.”

 _“I’ll leave you to it,”_ Yami says. _“Expect a call from me tonight. Late, perhaps ten or eleven.”_

“Make it ten.” Hide rocks on his feet, turning new details through his head. “I’ll be needing your help with something.”

_“Very well. Hide?”_

“Yeah?”

Yami sounds smug. Perhaps even a bit possessive? Oh boy. _“You had better kiss me like you kissed Kaneki, once I’m back. My mouth still tastes more like you than anything else.”_

To his credit, Hide doesn’t actually choke. It’s is a close call, however.

“Count on it,” he squeaks. He exhales slowly, settling back down. “Be safe, Yami.”

_“I will.”_

“I love you.”

_“I know.”_

Hide doesn’t know which of them hangs up first. It isn’t something that matters. He tucks the phone into his purse after turning it off, then lifts his hood to hide his face. Once he pulls on some gloves, the barrier is easy to climb over.

He feels better now, knowing that Yami is back in the mess of things. Like one more piece of stolen home has been set right again.

This is going to work out. Even if it’s only them, Hide knows they can win. He has that faith, and he’ll see it through. No turning back anymore.

Today, they save Mutsuki Tooru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the greatest of thanks to ban for explaining alters and facets to me, ban is a life-saver, all praise to ban.
> 
> who is this lev-san why does he get on so well with hide??? i don't have a clue but i want to adopt him


	3. "Sorry about this."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tooru wakes up and it isn't in a cave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am taking good care of mutsuki in this au. _i am livid about his current manga treatment and i am taking good care of him in this au._

Tooru wakes up in a strange bed, inside a room he doesn’t recognize at all. The investigator’s chest seizes in fear, his mind flashing through events on Rushima, trying to pinpoint what could have led to this. No one should have known where he was hidden, he made sure of that, _he did horrible things to be sure of that..._

He can’t move. His body won’t do anything he frantically demands of it, he isn’t tied down but he’s trapped, _where is he?!_

Hadn’t there been a voice?

Tooru manages to turn his head to the right. He meets the stare of an unknown figure, peering down at him with a glowing cigarette clamped between their teeth. There’s a tired yet merry sort of look in their eyes. Kind. They remind him of Sasaki, though in the current situation they really shouldn’t.

“Mutsuki-san? Can you hear me?”

It’s Sasaki’s voice. _Sasaki,_ his soothing presence filling the room. Just like it used to. Finally, Tooru can breathe. He turns his head to look up at his former mentor.

Sasaki is talking, but Tooru can’t really follow the words. He knows that he’s being asked how he feels, if he’s alright. _You’re safe now_ repeats itself often. Tooru just stares up at his old teacher, searching his face as Sasaki carries on. His words, his features, they’re all fraught with worry. Tooru thinks he may cry at the familiarity of it.

He’s been afraid that the Sasaki who cared was long gone.

“Sasaki-san.” The stranger steps forward, frowning. “You have to tell him.”

Sasaki looks stricken. Anger flares in Tooru’s gut, and he gives the stranger a venomous glare, struggling to sit up. His fingers scrabble at the sheets for purchase, pulling himself up. The stranger watches calmly.

“Who _are_ you?” Tooru demands, breathing labored. “What do you have to do with any of this?”

“Kinda everything,” the stranger sighs. They manage to look even more tired than before. “I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi.”

“He’s actually a Washuu,” Sasaki murmurs, nodding further affirmation when Tooru gives him a stunned look. “And he’s an old friend of… from my past. He got you off Rushima. You can trust him.”

“Sasaki-san…” Nagachika presses, though it’s clear he doesn’t want to.

“I know.”

Sasaki turns away from them both, staring down at the floor. He looks frighteningly small, Tooru thinks. As if he’s been worn down to this size since the last time they saw each other.

Sasaki takes a breath and speaks. His words are low but still clear, and Tooru immediately wishes he never heard them.

“When Rushima is conquered and the Owl is locked up inside of Cochlea, Arima-san has orders to kill me. The Qs will likely be next.”

Arima?

The Qs?

_Orders?_

“The CCG isn’t what we thought it was, Mutsuki-san,” Sasaki says brokenly. His teeth gnaw anxiously at his lower lip until blood splits through. “ _Nothing_ we’ve been told is the truth. There is a lot you need to know, and we don’t have much time.”

Nagachika’s expression is grim. “We need your help to save the other Qs.”

-

It’s been a few days now. Tooru is up on the roof of Lev’s boarding house (Lev, the oft-mentioned ghoul Tooru has yet to see), huddled up as he watches the sunset. He’s been sitting up here for a few hours now, trying to clear his head. Trying not to think of what comes tomorrow.

Maybe it should’ve been harder to wrap his head around, all this truth about V. But the horror of it, the criminal magnitude of their deeds, it’s not that far of a stretch for his thinking. Tooru grew up plenty familiar with mankind’s knack for cruelty. It’s just that he tries to be optimistic about it. Getting into the Quinx program, it was supposed to _change_ things.

And things did change. For the worse. All of Tooru’s efforts mean nothing now. Surviving the _fucking nightmare_ that has been his job, every bit of is a waste. But he can still start over.

What Tooru can never forgive is Shirazu’s death.

V has thrown so many lives away. Like trash.

Shirazu’s death had been for nothing.

Tooru is going to change that.

“--should be getting some sleep, y‘know, and… no, Yami, I _don’t_ have a cigarette in my mouth. I wouldn’t call and smoke, I’m more civilized than that!”

It’s Nagachika. Tooru squints as the rooftop lights up from the now-open hatch and the human clambers up onto the roof. He’s got a flip phone pressed up to his good ear, and a cigarette is held between his teeth.

Wouldn’t call and smoke, huh.

Nagachika turns to close the hatch, and Tooru tries not to stare at the scarred area where the man’s ear ought to be. His hair is pulled back in a ponytail, what the investigator has learned is a sign of recent cooking. The human rolls his eyes as he straightens up, pulling his cigarette away with a sigh.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a promise,” he says, almost laughing. “And I meant what I said, too, get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, Yami.”

Yami, Kaneki, Sasaki -- another thing Tooru has learned. Nagachika’s been helpful with explaining identity disorders, whenever he isn’t tangled up in strategizing or preparations. Tooru’s just relieved that Sasaki isn’t _gone_ with the return of his old memories.

Though apparently, he never had amnesia to begin with.

“Oh! Hey there, Mutsuki-san.”

Tooru glances over as he’s noticed, lifting a hand in silent greeting. Nagachika smiles amiably, favoring his right leg as he walks over. His injuries from escaping V have yet to heal. Tooru really doesn’t like the thought of him breaking into Cochlea in such a condition. He’s grown to like the man, peculiar as he is.

“Dunno how you haven’t frozen your ass off yet,” Nagachika comments cheerfully, reaching into his coat for a fresh cigarette. “You’ve been up here for hours!” His lighter clicks, and soon after the man exhales. “Sure is a pretty sunset, though.”

“Mm.” Tooru nods agreement, watching the red- and orange-tinted clouds. “I haven’t seen you come up here to smoke, Nagachika-san. Is something wrong?”

“Just wanted to check on you.”

Nagachika doesn’t seem inclined to answer beyond that, content to stand and smoke his cigarettes. Tooru studies him for a while. Nagachika isn’t often still, and even now the man’s eyes are constantly moving -- checking rooftops and glancing down at visible streets, turning from time to time. He appears quite relaxed.

Tooru suspects that Nagachika is always on guard.

“Tomorrow’s the big day,” the other man murmurs. He sounds surprisingly calm, meeting Tooru’s eyes. “You don’t feel ready.”

Tooru nearly cringes at that. He licks his lips before responding.

“What makes you think so?”

Nagachika drops his stub of cigarette and grinds it out under his shoe. He doesn’t light another, hands fidgeting restlessly.

“Well, for starters, you’ve been up here for nearly four hours trying not to think about it.” He chuckles then, rubbing at his scarred lump of an ear. “And I just stress-cooked enough curry to feed Tokyo. Hope you like spice.” He frowns. “I finished all of my cigarettes, too. Anyway, point being, you’re more than a little freaked out by what we’re gonna do.”

Tooru slowly exhales. The breath clouds up in the chill, quickly fading over his head. It’s getting dark. The Quinx shivers, licking his lips again.

“I don’t think you _can_ do it,” Tooru finally replies. He avoids looking at Nagachika, fingers curling anxiously. “Even if you somehow make it through with your… rescue plan in Cochlea, V isn’t just going to let you go. It will only get worse!”

“I know.”

“And I…” Tooru takes another shaky breath. He hates feeling so terrified, but he’s never known how to stop it. “I don’t think I can do what you and Sasaki-san are asking of me. Much of the opposition V will place in your way are likely going to be investigators that the Qs _know._ People who don’t know any better than I did. I can’t just turn on them.”

“The betrayal’s inevitable,” Nagachika answers. He winces as he shifts weight off his right leg. “But you have my word, I will not ask you to kill anyone against your will. That’s what I’m for.”

“Oh.”

Tooru doesn’t admit how relieved that makes him feel. Nagachika probably knows anyhow, strangely perceptive as he is.

“There are other ways you can help me and Kaneki, Mutsuki-san,” Nagachika adds. His hands are shoved deep into coat pockets by now. “Ways that don’t involve casualties. Like helping get your fellow Qs to safety, for instance.”

Tooru straightens up, eyes widening. Nagachika had been refusing his questions about Urie’s team up until now.

“When?”

“Tonight,” Nagachika answers. He seems genuinely pleased by the idea, as if he’s put together  
a plan that can’t be beat. Tooru hopes so. “After dinner. I really did make a lot of curry.”

Nagachika turns, making his way back towards the hatch. His limp is worse now that he’s cold. Tooru quickly moves up to his feet, stepping ahead of the other man to open the hatch. The air inside is hot and heavy with spices. Tooru’s stomach growls.

He doesn’t move.

“Um. Nagachika-san.”

Nagachika looks back up at him, eyebrows lifted. “Mm?”

“Thank you,” Tooru says, quietly. “Regardless of my connection to Sasaki-sensei, you took a tremendous risk by bringing me here and telling me everything. You’re taking an even bigger one by bringing in the rest of the Qs. I want you to know that I’m grateful for that.”

He hopes Nagachika can see how much he means it.

Nagachika smiles.

Framed by dark clouds and warm light from below, it’s startlingly beautiful.

“Thank _you,_ Mutsuki-san,” Nagachika murmurs back, and Tooru wonders at the gentle reverence in his voice. “I’m glad that Sasaki-san is right to trust you.”

They stare at each other for a moment. Tooru’s chest feels too tight, his eyes sting. Nagachika’s smoking is probably to blame. The offender smiles benevolently back at him until Tooru’s stomach growls again -- much, much more loudly this time.

Nagachika snorts, cheeks dimpling. “Curry?”

Tooru nods. “Curry.”

They disappear down the hatch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mutsuki's pov may seem a little off from canon, this is actually deliberate! for reasons i'll happily explain when it isn't the early a.m., this noodle does need their sleep. e-e i will tackle any questions once i'm a little more whelmed with life
> 
> i have a [tumblr!](http://to-balter.tumblr.com/)


	4. "Can you stand?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's sort of an accident that Hide says anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two in like, _a day_ , what is this madness. have the smol hidekanes

Hide is fifteen.

Well, nearly fifteen.

His mouth is full of blood, kept behind bruised lips. Two of his teeth are somewhere on the locker room floor, but he doesn’t plan to look for them. There’s a strange, airy sort of feeling inside his chest now that the terror of being exposed and attacked has passed. It’s hard to move, his body feeling foreign with all the bruises and cuts.

Hide wishes he could say he’s never seen so much blood in his life.

Classes ended hours ago. Kaneki had helped him hide, watching for when students left the building and the nurse’s office was empty. That’s where Hide and Kaneki were now, the younger boy sitting up on a table as Kaneki patches him up.

Kaneki is good at patching up. He could fix Hide to make it look like the attack had never happened. In fact, he’s already promised to help with makeup before they go to school tomorrow.

Hide never says anything about it, how he knows _why_ Kaneki is so good with this stuff. It will only make his friend feel worse. Hide can’t bear to do that.

His whole body hurts, and he still can’t quite see straight. His head throbs. Those four boys beat the hell out of him once they had seen. Hide has always been afraid that people would figure it out and react badly. Turns out he was right.

Then Kaneki had shown up, screaming fury, words that Hide never thought he’d hear from his quiet friend’s mouth. Like the bullies, he carried a baseball bat. Unlike them, he was fast -- and much, _much_ angrier.

He broke one kid’s arm with a single hit. The others fled as the strongest of them collapsed with a howl. Kaneki dropped the bat, took Hide, and ran.

Not a single teacher would believe their precious, timid little honor student could have done this. Hide couldn’t believe it either, until he looked up and saw those strange eyes again, harder than Kaneki’s. This time, angrier.

He’s calling those eyes Yami now.

“Does it hurt much?” Kaneki asks nervously. He’s carefully disinfecting and bandaging cuts one by one. There’s a lot more than Hide had realized.

“Not really,” Hide assures him, then immediately yelps, cringing away from the other boy. “ _Shit!_ I lied, I lied! Have mercy!!”

“It’s only disinfectant, Hide,” Kaneki huffs.

Hide pouts back, but stays still as Kaneki resumes cleaning out one of the deeper cuts. The stinging somehow keeps getting worse. Still, Kaneki is gentle, even more gentle than before Hide’s little outburst. It’s almost unreal.

This is the same kid who broke a guy’s arm with a baseball bat?

Hide is entranced.

“You’re staring at me,” Kaneki whispers, making eye contact for a moment.

Hide stirs. “Zoned out,” he answers readily, because how is he supposed to say _I find you entrancing?_ He smiles crookedly. “Makes it easier to not cry at your evil disinfectant.”

“It’s not _evil,_ it’s--” Kaneki interrupts himself, grabbing a cloth to carefully touch at Hide’s lips and chin. Apparently blood had dripped past without himself noticing.

Hide hopes the sudden fire in his cheeks can blend in with all the bruising.

Kaneki doesn’t seem to notice, but he does look troubled. His eyebrows are drawn together, lips pressed into a thin line. He applies the next bandage with a lot more pressure, but Hide doesn’t let himself flinch in response.

“You’re worrying about the blackout,” he guesses.

“I’ve never turned violent before,” Kaneki answers reluctantly. His teeth dig into his lower lip. “Does that mean I’m becoming dangerous…?”

“You only hit them because you saw them ganging up on me,” Hide says immediately. “Buncha thugs beating on your best friend, _of course_ you reacted like that. You’re not going bad or anything. I promise.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right.”

They fall back into silence. Hide’s legs are cleaned and covered now, along with his left arm, and currently Kaneki is tending to his right. Hide hadn’t noticed how quickly the older boy made progress. He really does know what he’s doing. Not that Hide ever had a doubt.

He watches attentively, tracing the focused bent to the other boy’s brow, the solemnity of his eyes. He always looks so soft and so strong all at once. Like a rose, Hide thinks, except Kaneki never wants to hurt anyone. He’d clip his own thorns if he could. He’s just that kind.

Too kind for anyone to be worthy of.

He’s wrapping up Hide’s hand now. Slender fingers impossibly soft, quietly deft. Kaneki is always so good at things.

“I love you.”

Kaneki stiffens, staring frozen down at Hide’s hand. Heat blooms in Hide’s cheeks again, realizing with some terror that the words _had actually come from his mouth_ and he hadn’t just thought them.

But, they _are_ true.

Kaneki lets go of Hide’s hand. He takes a step back -- two steps. He doesn’t take his eyes off of the floor. Hide can just barely see the pink spreading over the boy’s cheeks. Kaneki’s hands twist anxiously.

“Hide, you can’t.”

It’s not the answer he wants. After what happened in the locker room, it feels even worse. Hide stares down at his knees, shame weighing heavy in his chest. He should have kept his mouth shut. It’s always easier to keep your mouth shut, right?

“Sorry.”

“N-no, don’t be,” Kaneki stammers. His hands are still fidgeting, once comes up to scratch at his cheek. “It’s just, I don’t -- I don’t feel that way about other, um, other guys. It’s not your fault.”

He’s lying.

Hide’s eyes widen with the realization, but his lips remain closed. Kaneki is lying. Kaneki is _afraid._ And why wouldn’t he be? He’s looking directly at the bloody result of living differently -- it only makes sense that he doesn’t want to acknowledge any similar differences in himself.

Hide understands the fear.

But it still hurts.

“Can we still be friends?”

Kaneki asks the question hesitantly, barely daring to meet Hide’s eyes. Hide manages a smile for him, broad and cheerful. His chest hurts.

“Naturally! We _are_ best friends, after all!” His voice softens. He hopes he doesn’t look too nervous. “I just, um… I just wanted you to know.”

Kaneki smiles back. “Thank you,” he says, and the sincerity nearly makes Hide break. “I’m glad you trusted me with that.”

Hide beams, drops a joke, and the discomfort fades. Kaneki finishes patching him up, and by the time they go home it feels like the conversation never happened. Maybe Kaneki will forget. That would make things easier.

Hide doesn’t cry when he gets home that night.

But he does hope that someday, Kaneki won’t be afraid to accept himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (it's okay, hide, you'll get your romance after about a decade and countless deaths)
> 
> here i be, [tumbling.](http://to-balter.tumblr.com/)


	5. "Just my luck."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tooru knows better than to speak up. At least, that's what he tells himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a little something for mutsuki, my darling son...

The investigator who steps into the lecture hall is smaller than Tooru was expecting. His hair is white and messy, swaying over comically round glasses and a slim black suit. He introduces himself and jokes around for a while, cheerfully socializing with the class in the minutes before his lecture.

Sasaki Haise is his name.

Tooru likes his smile.

-

Sasaki comes by to lecture every now and again. His darker roots are beginning to show. He doesn’t wear the glasses anymore (which Tooru is quietly disappointed by), but he has taken to striped pants for some reason.

He tells terrible jokes and somehow the class tolerates him. Tooru wonders if there’s anyone who isn’t enamored by the small investigator with a big smile, isn’t charmed by his earnest investment in each person he meets.

Tooru is seventeen, and he knows he’s terribly smitten.

He’ll never say a word.

-

The very idea of the Quinx Program terrifies Tooru, but he knows he needs it. It takes a big thing to change a life, and somehow he knows this has to be it. He has to at least try.

He succeeds in the tests. He gets through the initial surgery and doesn’t feel any different afterward.

He moves into the room across from Sasaki Haise.

-

Tooru is a terrible fit for this job. He’s always known that between the anemia and sheer lack of skill, he would be an utter disappointment. He didn’t even complete academics before starting the Quinx program. He’s a failure before even starting.

He doesn’t quit, however. He can’t improve without work. He can’t change anything if he backs away.

But it isn’t all work. There’s his growing friendships with Shirazu and Yonebayashi.

And there’s Sasaki.

Tooru still doesn’t say a word.

-

Learning Sasaki is a slow process. Almost as slow as becoming any good as an investigator. It’s hard to figure out a person who’s missing most of their own memory, but there are other things Tooru takes note of. Sasaki’s love of cooking, the napkin sketches while waiting in coffeeshops, different tunes he hums but doesn’t remember. His tendency to attract at least two strays cats while out on patrol.

Other things, too, when Tooru dares to look for them.

Painted nails, sometimes -- only ever silver or white. Faded scars across his wrists and forearms. Three layered dimples in one cheek when he laughs, just one dimple in the other. The constant weight of exhaustion carried in his eyes, so meticulously masked. Cherry-scented lip balm.

Tooru tells himself to stop looking so closely. There’s no point in getting attached to what you can’t have.

Sasaki’s favorite color is yellow.

Same as Tooru.

-

He hasn’t seen Sasaki in months now. Shirazu is gone. Tooru doesn’t live in the Chateau anymore, drifting from team to team. He gets separated. Ambushed. Locked away. He hides inside memories for a while. He doesn’t know how else to cope.

Sasaki would always be reading three books at once. Usually because he kept forgetting the other two, finding them left on the coffee table or fallen under his bed.

Sasaki brewed exquisite coffee. He was good at finding new places, new blends, each of them delicious.

There had been one coffeeshop that brought Sasaki to tears, and Tooru had kept his suspicions to himself. Perhaps he shouldn’t have.

Before things turned sour, he had only ever seen Sasaki angry once.

_“Ghoul investigators should run away, even if they have their limbs ripped off!”_

Tooru always thought that was an exaggeration. Now here he is, prevented from healing, doing everything he can to disconnect from reality. He did it as a child. He did it all the time. He just has to do it again until it’s over.

It has to be over eventually.

_“As long as you survive, you’ll have countless more chances. If you lose your life then you won’t be able to do anything.”_

It seems even memories won’t give him a break. Tooru is almost angry with Sasaki, a Sasaki from over a year ago. But he knows he’s right. Tooru has survived worse than this, when he was weaker than this. He’s not going to wait. He’s going to get out.

Tooru opens his eyes. Tooru forces himself back to alertness. He thinks.

He fights back.

-

Tooru doesn’t say anything to Sasaki as he stumbles through explanations and details, hanging in a curious space between shock and relief. The words are horrible, and he isn’t ready to think of the implications just yet, but Sasaki is _here_ and small and soft. Just like he used to be.

On impulse, Tooru reaches out his hand. Sasaki takes it without hesitation, clasping it between both of his own, spilling out more promises or truths that Tooru doesn’t quite comprehend.

Sasaki’s hands are soft. They’re cool and comforting, and Tooru measures the anguish in his former teacher’s eyes, tracing anxious lines and absently wishing he didn’t feel so disconnected from everything that was happening.

It’ll sink in later, he thinks.

He still doesn’t say anything.

-

It’s been a few days. Nagachika said the rescue mission was in the morning and it is that now, but Tooru doesn’t remember going to sleep.

He hears shouting.

Tooru rolls quickly out of bed and slips out of the room, watching carefully. He follows the noises to the kitchen, and pauses in surprise to see the narrow floor between counters is now a ramp. The arguing is coming from down below, some shouted, some quiet, altogether a tangle of voices he can’t understand.

He cautiously comes down the ramp, stumbling partway down as he’s hit by the stench of sewers and blood.

A _lot_ of blood.

Tooru stares.

The Qs are surrounded by a group of ghouls, apparently too weak to use their kagune. The new members can’t even move. Saiko is standing over them protectively, fists shaking. Urie is wobbling on his feet, staring the ghouls down with teeth bared.

As for the ghouls, they’re watching the Qs while keeping their distance, debating amongst themselves. Tooru recognizes Fueguchi. And Aogiri’s Rabbit. And _Eto,_ who catches Tooru staring and winks. He backs away, disturbed.

There’s a shout from somewhere in the crowd. Angry, accented, more than a little frantic.

“GET OUT OF BASEMENT, MY FRIEND IS BLEEDING, YOU ARE _IN MY WAY._ ”

Tooru blinks, and the ghouls are gone. Rabbit, Eto, most others. Fueguchi and three others stay behind, and Tooru’s stomach drops. This is where the stench of blood has been coming from.

Sasaki is carried by a ghoul with silver hair, limbs slowly regenerating. A distorted claw reaches feebly towards a second ghoul, tall and dark-skinned, with another bloody mass in their own arms.

Nagachika.

_“Hide, Hide, Hide--”_

It isn’t Sasaki. This is Kaneki Ken, torn to pieces and pleading a human’s name, tears dripping with blood onto the floor. The claw catches on Nagachika’s sleeve as Kaneki’s voice cracks, desperate and likely delirious from pain.

The tall ghoul gently shrugs him off, leaving with Nagachika -- or Nagachika’s _body._ Tooru feels himself moving forward, only making it as far as where the Quinx are standing. Kaneki is screaming, butchered words and Nagachika’s name, again and again. Fueguchi and the other two ghouls try to calm him, holding him still. A distant part of Tooru realizes they’re from the coffeeshop.

Kaneki falls abruptly silent. Staring down at the floor, shaking, weeping. Not a sound except for his rattling breath. The ghouls stay with him.

“He’ll make it,” the woman from the coffeeshop murmurs. She threads her fingers through Kaneki’s hair. “Nagachika-san’s tough, he’ll pull through. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.”

“I can’t lose him again.”

“You won’t.”

Tooru knows he shouldn’t be watching this. It’s intensely private, more hurt than he has any right to witness. He turns to Urie, promising to explain everything, and helps them all get up the ramp to the kitchen.

He wishes he could tell himself the weight in his chest is for the danger to Nagachika’s life, the pain in Kaneki’s voice. But that would be lying.

It’s for the best that he always bit his tongue.

Sasaki was never someone meant for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> b y e
> 
> (i have a [tumblr.](http://to-balter.tumblr.com/))


	6. "Wake up."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki knew that Cochlea was a risk. They all knew. But he hadn't imagined this particular cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's blood and gore and it's at least 40% sei's fault

“Is _that…?_ ”

Kaneki feels as if he’s been struck, having finally mustered up the courage to open the recovery room’s door. Like everywhere else, the place reeks of Hide’s blood. The Russian ghoul is standing over Hide’s torn, stripped body, dripping blades in hand.

Blood is everywhere. Dripping off the table, soaking through bandage after bandage, oozing between barely-holding stitches. The Russian is working frantically, snapping at Yomo for items. The other ghoul complies silently.

Hide’s arm is on a counter, blood pooling up in a metal tray.

Kaneki makes a horrified, keening sound and the Russian’s black eyes lock onto him.

“Kirishima, get him out!”

He’s too stunned to resist.

-

Eleven hours pass before the Russian lets Kaneki into the recovery room. It’s spotless and smells of bleach, Hide cocooned in white sheets on a small bed off to the corner. There’s a chair beside it and that’s where Kaneki stiffly drops himself, finally giving his distorted limbs a chance to properly regenerate. Yomo makes sure that he eats before leaving.

Hide looks too small, and the hollow space where his arm ought to be only makes that worse. His brown skin is ashen from blood loss, face bruised and scraped. His hand -- his _remaining_ hand -- is cold to the touch.

Kaneki cries for the next hour. Maybe two. Hide doesn’t stir once.

Kaneki wishes there was a monitor, something to reference so he can at least have an idea of what’s happening. If Hide is getting better at all. But the Russian’s resources are obviously limited.

He checks Hide’s pulse constantly. Sometimes he dozes off with his thumb pressed to the artery in Hide’s wrist. The pulse is weak but present. Kaneki tells himself it has to be enough.

Somehow, the Russian is always there when Hide’s heart stops and quickly brings him back again. Kaneki can’t remember the ghoul’s name. He doesn’t ask. He’s only grateful that the Russian knows what he is doing, and tries to stay out of his way.

-

Thirty-six hours drag by. Forty-nine. Kaneki still doesn’t sleep but he loses consciousness for a few minutes at a time, always jolting awake and fearfully checking if Hide’s still alive. He’s terrified to leave him for even a second, image seared into his mind of the bloody, mangled body that hung in his arms for the eternity it took to get from Cochlea to this room.

Mutsuki visits often. He asks if Hide’s stable yet, if he’s woken at all. Usually he comes for help with communication to the other Qs. They switch, Mutsuki watching after Hide while Haise goes upstairs to speak with his former team. Kaneki can never bring himself to leave.

Mutsuki has long proven to Haise his reliability. Kaneki is grateful that trait extends to him and Hide as well.

Sometimes Kaneki tries to talk to Hide. It only makes him feel more useless.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, again and again, the words practically forcing themselves out. “This is my fault, _I’m so sorry._ ”

Never does Hide reply.

-

Sixty-seven hours. Kaneki is drinking terrible amounts of coffee, determined to stay awake. He can’t taste anything by now. His hands are constantly trembling.

Hide still hasn’t stirred. His cheeks are sunken by now, skin clammy with sweat. His hair looks filthy, tangled and matted over the pillow. His lips are cracked. Kaneki doesn’t trust his shaking hands to look after him.

The Russian now mutters anxiously about supplies as he replaces IV bags. He won't answer when Kaneki asks if Hide is getting better, only quickly leaves the room.

The victory in Cochlea won’t be worth it if Hide dies. It can’t be worth it.

Touka appears once a day, for a few hours at a time. She brings coffee and an air of calm, assuring Kaneki that Hide is going to live.

“He has the will for it,” she says.

Kaneki tries to believe that.

-

“You changed your look again.”

It takes several seconds to process whose voice he hears. The cold fingers feebly interlacing with his own. When Kaneki realizes, it takes no time for his vision to blur. He covers his mouth, choking back sobs.

After eighty-nine hours, Hide is awake.

“Are you okay?” Hide asks. His voice is hoarse and too quiet. “You look terrible.”

Kaneki sobs out a laugh. Then just keeps on crying. Of course his best friend returns from the verge of death to ask if _he’s_ okay. Of _course_ he does that.

“Yikes,” Hide says, rubbing his thumb over Kaneki’s. “That bad?”

“Arm.”

“What?”

“Your -- your arm.”

Hide stares blankly across at Kaneki for several seconds before looking down. Then to his right. He doesn’t say anything at first, but his breathing comes faster and his fingers gradually tighten around Kaneki’s. He’s trembling.

“I…” He stares fixedly up at the ceiling for a moment, throat working. “I need you to tell me what happened. I don’t remember.”

Kaneki doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to go over details, remind Hide just how thoroughly he’s been failed. He doesn’t want to do this.

But he will, regardless.

“Furuta made it to the press and turned it back on,” he starts. He keeps his hands cupped around Hide’s, trying to restore warmth. They’re both shaking. “You went to stop him, overwhelmed the agents with him but then… Furuta revealed himself as a one-eyed ghoul. He was about to finish you off when Eto arrived.”

“Eto?” Hide sounds distant. He keeps looking down at where his arm should be, then tearing his eyes back up to the ceiling.

“Yes.”

“I’m guessing Furuta’s dead now.”

“Very.” Kaneki hesitates. “The… the rescue was a success. Thanks to you.”

“That’s good,” Hide murmurs. He pulls his hand away from Kaneki’s, rubs at his eyes. His breath is still unsteady. “That, um. That’s good.”

“Hide…”

“Just give me a second.”

Kaneki does that. Hide is visibly struggling, eyes too wide and jaw too tight. The Russian enters the recovery room and Kaneki knows he’s lost his chance.

-

The Russian’s name is Lev. _Somehow,_ he manages to inject Kaneki with a sedative right before taking Hide out of the recovery room for a smoke. Something about withdrawal. The words are lost as Kaneki falls unconscious.

He loses sense of time and when he next wakes, Hide is back on the bed beside him. His skin is more its natural color, and he's been cleaned up. His face still looks too hollow. He’s propped up against the pillows, fiddling with the same locks of hair.

Hide’s breath hitches, face twisting in pain as his fingers curl. The medication isn’t doing enough.

He tries to clear the expression when he sees Kaneki looking, but there isn’t much point.

“You’ve been out for fourteen hours,” he says, slowly looking Kaneki over. “You look better. Lev-san does it to me, too, the sedative stuff. Always pisses him off.”

He falls silent. Kaneki doesn’t have any words to say.

For once he can actually see it, the sheer effort Hide puts into seeming alright. He wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t for Kaneki. He would be free from V, on the other side of the fucking world, if it weren’t for Kaneki. He wouldn’t be _missing an arm_ and nearly _sawed in half_ if it weren’t for Kaneki.

He sacrifices far too much.

And Kaneki has greedily taken it all.

“Don’t apologize for this.”

Hide’s hand reaches out for Kaneki’s own. It’s warmer now, the grip more steady. Kaneki stares back at him in confusion.

“I have made my own damn choices through all of this mess,” Hide says, “and I am not letting you take the blame for any of them.”

“But you only went into Cochlea because I--”

“ _Shhh._ ”

Hide fumbles before getting his hand up into Kaneki’s hair. It takes some effort. Kaneki fights the urge to cry at the touch.

“We’ll take about this later, I promise, we’ll…” His eyes drift over past Kaneki’s shoulder, breath stuttering in his throat before he regains composure. “Listen. Much as I don't wanna admit it, morphine is a fucking nightmare, so could you just…?”

“I’ll stay,” Kaneki replies instantly. “I’ll stay, Hide.”

Hide relaxes, letting his hand fall as he eases back against the pillows. He murmurs something, but it’s so slurred Kaneki can’t make it out. He looks so _exhausted._ Kaneki wonders if he was staying awake to talk to him.

Kaneki stands, leaning over Hide as he gently pulls up blankets, checks that IV tubes aren’t in the way. He’s careful as he can possibly be, avoiding bruises and cuts.

He cradles Hide’s head just so, pressing a kiss to his forehead. The scarred area of his ear scrapes against Kaneki’s palm. Hide sighs, lashes fluttering.

He falls asleep.

For the first time in one hundred and three hours, Kaneki isn’t afraid he won’t wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey it's me [tumblr](http://to-balter.tumblr.com/)


	7. "Consider it karma."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening up about things is hard. Hide can't stand how scared it makes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (in which the author - almost without realizing - uses hide to process some feelings on how it feels to build new relationships with people you've known a long time. weird shit yo)

“Does it still hurt?”

This is a familiar question by now. Sometimes it’s several times in a day that he’s asked, when his step falters and he forgets how to catch himself, when he falls silent in the middle of a sentence, staring at empty space. Sometimes it’s Mutsuki, checking in when others won’t hear. Sometimes it’s Lev, bluntly interrogating in his native tongue. Sometimes it’s the other Qs, but not often. It’s obvious they still aren’t sure what to make of him.

Tonight it’s while he lies on his back, fingers worrying the bottom hem of his nightshirt. He felt too frustrated to bother with pants, and clumsily burrowed under the blankets wearing turtle-patterned boxers.

Kaneki is curled on his side next to him, fingers cautiously grazing the stump at Hide’s right shoulder. He doesn’t flinch away from the contact, but damn if it doesn’t take some control.

“Not so much,” Hide answers him.

“I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Hide says, as he always does. “I don’t blame you.”

“Mm.”

They’re both quiet, just enough in each other’s space but not quite entangled. Hide thinks part of that stems from how long it’s taken for him to heal, and part of it stems from their lingering apprehension around each other. Some days it feels like something is going to snap, but Hide can’t imagine what.

He’s learned to treasure these moments.

It’s been just over two months since Cochlea. Somehow, they’ve all managed to lay low. Lev did as Lev does, stowing everyone down in the basement and allowing multiple Doves the run of his boarding house -- all without incident. Lev’s luck is still the most uncanny thing Hide has ever witnessed.

It took a few weeks to convince Kaneki to sleep in his own room, rather than spending every moment down in the recovery room with Hide. The amount of attention on him still feels kinda surreal, and he isn’t much of a fan.

It’s harder to breathe now. His feet still aren’t all too steady, and he can’t move faster than a walk. He still forgets he doesn’t have a right arm anymore, and remembering constantly fucks him up. Often his memory will snap back to the moment, Furuta’s wide-eyed grin, polished smugness as he brings Hide down with a broken quinque and full kagune.

Hide tried to keep these things to himself for the most part, but Lev is stubborn and lying to Kaneki is a thought he can’t stand anymore. They’re both working to be more honest with each other. With themselves. It’s pretty uncomfortable most of the time.

“I think,” Hide says slowly. “I’m mostly reconciled with it.”

Kaneki doesn’t say anything. Just looks at him.

“I mean, obviously I’m not _okay,_ ” Hide continues. “You’ve found me crying in a corner enough times to know that. But it’s not some tragic loss. Plenty of people lead nice, fulfilling lives with one arm. No reason I can’t, too.”

He sits up. Kaneki does, automatically placing his arm behind Hide to help him balance. Hide absently traces his fingers over the stump. Lev is keeping it bandaged, but it’s all scarred over by now.

“What are you thinking?” Kaneki asks, his voice a murmur. He places a gentle kiss to the back of Hide’s shoulder before nuzzling in.

“Karma,” Hide replies.

“Karma?”

“Yeah.” Hide looks to the stump. “This is like… payback. You know, tit for tat. About ten years too late, but still. Karma.”

Kaneki stiffens at his words, immediately outraged. “How could _this_ be karma?!” he demands. “Hide, you didn’t _deserve_ this!”

“That would imply losing an arm is some kinda punishment, so no,” Hide says. “I call it karma because, well… I woke up with my right arm gone and a hole through my side.” His voice drops, eyes sliding away from Kaneki. “That’s how it was for the first person I murdered.”

“Hide…”

“It’s weird,” Hide says quickly. “I don’t usually remember much about anyone I kill. But her, it’s been over ten years, and I can still recall her so perfectly. It’s like she’s standing right in front of me.”

He stares down at the blankets bunched up over his lap. “I should stop talking.”

“No.” Kaneki’s voice is surprisingly sharp. He softens when Hide glances over at him, gently brushes fingers over the back of his wrist. “No, I think you need to say this. And I want to listen. If you’ll let me.”

Hide smiles faintly. “Like I could ever say no to you.”

Kaneki kisses him, threading his fingers through Hide’s remaining hand. He always feel so much softer, compared to Hide’s thick callouses and layers of scars. Hide takes a breath.

“Um.” It’s hard to collect thoughts, remember what lead to where. “Daishou-san, my handler, she started training me from the day V grabbed me. By the time I turned thirteen she wanted me to take on an assignment, so I got passed something easy: a nosy journalist.”

He sighs, gnawing on his lip. Kaneki’s thumb strokes over his, and he leans back against him a little.

He didn’t think he would ever talk about this.

“Her name was Tsunemori Kiyoko,” he murmurs, staring at the window as he recites the information. “157cm. 63kg. Black hair, messy bun. Two moles on her left cheek. Another on her upper lip. Brown eyes. 32 years old, almost 33 -- I killed her twelve days before her birthday. Her right arm had been amputated when she was a kid. She lived alone with two parakeets. Cacti everywhere in the apartment.”

He’s hyperaware of Kaneki’s presence as he speaks. The growing tension in his fingers, the weight of his stare, the change in his breathing as Hide continues on. He doesn’t _seem_ angry yet. But he’s probably horrified. That's almost worse.

“She was really friendly when she answered the door,” Hide says. He keeps his eyes on the window. “Offered cookies. I liked her. So I made sure to kill her quick.” He takes a deep breath, releases it slowly as his side aches. “Only difference between me and Furuta is that I didn’t miss.”

“I’m so sorry, Hide.” Kaneki’s head rests at the curve of Hide’s neck, hair tickling his jaw. It’s obvious he wants to pull Hide closer but is wary of hurting him. “I’m so sorry,” he says again.

“The kicker is that it didn’t make a difference,” Hide confesses. He feels angry, all of a sudden. “At age thirteen I murdered an innocent woman and I didn’t feel bad about it at all. Even now I don’t feel guilt, it’s just… something I did.” He frowns. “I’ve always been like that. Think I might’ve hit my head and knocked all the morals out.”

“But you’re still trying to do the right thing,” Kaneki points out.

“Yeah, but not because it’s the right thing to do.” He scoffs, lips twisting into a bitter smile. “Hell, my reason isn’t even revenge. Maybe I knocked out more than my sense of morality.”

“Then what is your reason?”

“You asked me to.”

He didn’t think the words would come out so easily. He wonders sometimes, if this pursuit of honesty with Kaneki is really a good idea. What the fallout might be. He shivers.

Kaneki is staring at him with wide eyes, clearly shocked. “Oh,” he says quietly, and looks down at their entwined hands. His fingers tighten. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So you really _wouldn’t_ have gone up against Furuta if I hadn’t--”

“Don’t even go there, man.” Hide lets go of Kaneki’s hand to slip his fingers under his chin, tipping it up. He’s been avoiding eye contact for most of this conversation but right now it feels important. “It’s in the past, now. The only one to blame is the bastard who chopped me up, and that little fucker is dead. I’m gonna be okay, Kaneki. Eventually.”

Kaneki’s eyes narrow. “What is it?” he asks.

It had only been for a second, but Hide had hesitated, and Kaneki saw. It feels so startling when Kaneki actually reads him. It happens more frequently as the days go by. Hide sighs, pulling back from Kaneki to stare out the window again. There’s nothing to see there, really. Just the wall of the building across the way.

“Sometimes I wonder if I _should_ be okay,” he admits, anxiously chewing the inside of his lip. “You know, with all the bad shit I’ve done. Turning around to fight V doesn’t undo any of it. ‘Specially with my priorities all out of order.” He frowns. “Some days I feel like I should’ve let someone else help you. Touka-chan or Nishio-senpai. I’ve only managed to get you into deeper trouble. What kind of friend _does_ that?”

“Hide.”

Kaneki takes his jaw in hand and forcefully turns turns it, eyes burning into Hide’s. He looks grave and on the verge of tears. His fingers dig into Hide’s skin.

“Do not _ever_ apologize for coming back to me.”

Kaneki’s voice cracks around the words and Hide can’t bear it, can’t look at him because Kaneki is in tears _again_ and it’s _his faultmonths_ now. He hates this. He hates doing this to him when he walks into a room, whenever he opens his mouth, whenever he needs help.

He’s hurting Kaneki just by existing.

And Kaneki is begging him to never apologize.

Hide relents. He tries to tell himself he’s not a coward for it. “Okay,” he whispers.

He doesn’t resist when Kaneki pulls at him, letting his head rest against his chest. Kaneki always feels so sturdy. Hide follows as he lays back down, still sprawled on top of him. He tries to draw comfort from the weight of Kaneki’s arms against his back, the hand stroking through his hair. His mind is churning. His chest aches.

“I… might be wrong,” Kaneki says slowly. “But it seems to me that you don’t think you’re a good person.”

Hide doesn’t say anything. He chews on his lip, eyes turned down. Kaneki’s breathing holds a steady rhythm, the feeling of his voice buzzing in Hide’s chest.

“I’m too tangled up to really understand good or bad anymore, but… I do know that you have been good to me.”

Hide tenses, breath catching in his throat. Kaneki runs his fingers through his hair, still long and slightly tangled. He’s so quiet in his soothing. Hide thinks about pulling away.

“I’m not saying that you can’t ever think these things about yourself,” Kaneki continues. “I still don’t know how to love myself yet. It’s harder to be kind. But… I do know that I have good in me, despite everything. You do, too.”

He presses a kiss into Hide’s hair. Hide’s eyes sting.

“You’ve been good to me,” Kaneki says again. “Selfish as it may be, that’s all I really care about. You’ve put _so much_ into being good to me. I am not going to turn away from that, not again. I was…”

His voice is cracking again, breath shaking around a sob. Hide doesn’t look.

“I was so _lonely_ without you.”

He can’t do this.

He just, he can’t, he feels too guilty and weak and he’s _hurting Kaneki fucking again._ That’s too heavy for him to carry, he’s panicking under the weight of it, he can’t breathe, he’s shoving himself away and whining breathlessly at the pain that spikes through his body because of it. Fuck. He can’t stop shaking.

“I, I need a smoke.”

He doesn’t look at Kaneki’s face.

“Lev-san says I can’t risk a withdrawal now, uh. Too unstable.”

He refuses to look. He stumbles away from the bed, wincing as he picks his coat off the floor. Cigs and lighter are in the pockets.

“I’m gonna go now. Um. Don’t wait up for me.”

Not going to look. _Not going to._

Hide flees.

-

He makes it up to the top of the stairs, sinking to the platform under the hatch to the roof. He regrets leaving his pants behind, tugging at the coat until it covers most of where he is huddled on the cold metal platform. He wraps his one arm around his knees, teeth clenched as he tells himself _don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry._

He fumbles out a cigarette from the packet, desperate for anything that could stand to calm him. It takes so much longer to light now, but at least his hand isn’t too shaky anymore. This time, the issue is blurry vision.

The ashes of four cigarettes have gathered around his toes by the time company arrives. Lev, towering over the one-armed pile of coat and snotty tears Hide has easily reduced himself to.

« You panicked, » he says, folding his legs up to sit across from Hide.

“I fucking panicked,” Hide answers miserably. “ _Again._ ”

« Failing him really terrifies you. Especially since you think you’ve done it so much already. » Lev’s head tips to the side as he scrutinizes Hide. « You know, you’re coming out from a lifetime of abuse. You’re allowed to panic a bit. Quite a bit, in fact! »

“That’s not the point, Lev-san,” Hide mumbles. He takes a drag off his cigarette, turning his head to exhale away from his friend.

« Perhaps if I knew the context? »

Hide sighs. His toes curl in, shoulders hunching anxiously. Lev waits.

“I told Kaneki some new things about my past,” Hide says finally, rolling the smoking cigarette between his fingers. “It upset him, so he started crying and I felt fucking _terrible._ Then he starts talking about how he… how he thinks I’m a good person, and that he was _lonely_ without me around, and I… I…”

« You panicked, » Lev finishes.

Tears are running hot and ugly down Hide’s face. “Yeah,” he chokes.

Lev doesn’t say anything for a while. He stares down at his hands in thought, long black hairs slipping loose from his bun as he does so. He hums.

« I’m not sure what advice I can offer you, only being three years older. » His hands fidget for lack of something to do, tracing grooves in the platform. « You and Kaneki both have a lot of shit to deal with. That you’re trying to build a relationship on top of that, eh... » He shakes his head. « It will be very hard. »

“I know.” Hide sniffs, rubbing his eyes dry for what feels like the hundredth time. “I just… I feel like ever since I walked up to him, I’ve been fucking up worse and worse. Now that I’m telling him the truth… all I do is hurt him.”

« Mm. »

“I don’t _want_ to hurt him.”

« Of course not. » Lev stretches his legs out, smudging ash on his heels. « But I think you might need to. »

“ _What?_ ”

« Hear me out. » Lev raises his hands, an attempt to placate Hide’s obvious anger. « The lies between the two of you went on for a long time. The relationship you’re building now is completely different to what you had before. In order to have this relationship based around honesty, you need to take apart the relationship based around deceit. And that will hurt. No avoiding it. » He sets his hands back in his lap. « I think Kaneki understands that, too. »

“Yeah,” Hide agrees slowly. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

« I _am_ very smart. »

“Ha.” Hide stares at his remaining stub of cigarette. “I still feel like shit.”

« That’s valid, » Lev says. « Talk to Kaneki in the morning. I assure you, he’ll listen. »

“I know he will,” Hide replies. He grinds out his cigarette under his palm. Lev frowns at him so he doesn’t light another. “I just don’t like thinking about how these _episodes_ probably aren’t gonna stop anytime soon. Not while I’m still so fucked up about everything.”

« It is somewhat telling that I can identify the sound of you closing a door too fast and then fleeing to a remote corner of the house, yes, » Lev nods.

Hide stares at him. “God, have I really gotten that dramatic?”

« You’re a Gemini, Hide. You’ve always been this dramatic. »

Hide laughs at that. Lev grins and leans across to ruffle his hair.

He feels a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look a [tumblr](http://to-balter.tumblr.com/)


End file.
